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En gallimaufry av det bästa innehållet i hela kosmos.
"Vill du veta vem jag är? Heh, det är gulligt. Jag vill också veta vem jag är. Faktum är att jag vill veta vem vi alla är. Vem i världen vet sanningen om varför vi alla är här? Men det är varken här eller där.
Den riktiga frågan är, är du beredd att möta faran? Vreden av en miljon solar? Slutet på din egen sort? Är du redo att uthärda detta helvete? Att möta smärtan av din oundvikliga undergång? För det är vad du kommer att uppleva här. Vi är alla satta på denna planet, tvingade att skita, födda att torka, och sedan dör du. Vissa kommer att passera tidigare än andra; men på denna webbplats kan du göra det just nu.
Jag är Dr. Snap, trollkarlen. Jag är här för att leverera till dig den största gåvan av alla: Smärtan."
Dr. Snap arbetar alltid “hårt” för att ge dig det bästa av det bästa. Kom tillbaka snart för att se vilka andra godsaker vi har lagat i kitteln!
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Position: Lowlife
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Nationality: Unknown
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Languages: No taxation without representation
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Hair Color: Brown
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Eye Color: Hazel
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Height: 12’0
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Build: Weakling
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Features: Wanted for numerous crimes
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Ethnicity: Genius
About Cyrus Medlock
Cyrus Medlock was a tall genius who was imprisoned for schizophrenia. Medlock had a knack for repair jobs and was assigned to repair the prison’s kitchen appliances. After he bungled a job on the prison’s sewage pipe system, he fled and lived in a cave for three days where he created three YouTube videos to advertise his services. He was then abducted by the IRS, who demanded he pay taxes for the destruction of the prison. Medlock was sentenced to 70 years of solitary confinement by the IRS, but he eventually broke out because of the Green Flu. Unfortunately, Cyrus was then hunted down by the zombie IRS - however, he was saved by Dr. Snap, and was granted an ability to curse the zombie IRS forever.
Full Story
In 1936, there was a man. He was tall, and consequently he was a genius because he was tall. His name was Cyrus Medlock, and for 20 years he had been trying to prove that all of our senses are limited. What Cyrus didn't know was that Dr. Snap had already covered this, so Dr. Snap punished Cyrus with 70 years of solitary confinement.
Medlock went insane in prison. The doctors thought that he had "Permanent Schizophrenia" because he kept speaking of Dr. Snap’s damnation. Medlock would escape his cell two times a day, but he’d constantly find himself in the prison’s kitchen area fixing appliances that he broke himself. The prison guards noticed the appliances were about 50% more efficient each time Medlock meddled with the electronics, so he was assigned as the prison’s repairman. After creating a godlike kitchen appliance system, Medlock was diagnosed with a kitchen appliance fetish.
He was eventually assigned a sewage pipe repair job, but ultimately the guards found out appliance repair does not translate well with pipeline repair, at least not in Medlock’s case. Medlock ended up botching the prison’s whole pipe system, causing a lethal biohazardous leak. Medlock fled the destroyed prison and lived in a cave for the better part of three days.
Each day, he created an advertisement video for his kitchen appliance repair service using a laptop he stole from the prison. Hoping someone would adopt his services so he could return to his normal life, the small-time enterprise came to an end when he was abducted by IRS agents.
The IRS demanded Cyrus pay thousands of dollars’ worth in taxes to compensate for the total destruction of the prison. Cyrus declined, for he didn’t even have a penny. The IRS punished Cyrus with 70 years of solitary confinement.
Cyrus, through extreme therapy, gave up his kitchen appliance repair fetish in favor of extreme athleticism, mostly because it was the only option in this new prison facility. After an undisclosed number of years of extreme exercise, he broke out of the cell doors using only his fists, and made a run for it. One small issue, the prison guards were now zombies. He fought the zombies with his bare hands, and learned from a TV in the security room that a contagion known as the “green flu” was spreading fast.
Cyrus took on a whole army of zombie prison guards before finally leaving the fortress and making it to a nearby cave, where he pondered the past, present, and future, before being hunted by the zombie IRS.
The zombie IRS threatened to sentence him to death, but to everyone’s surprise, Dr. Snap stepped in. Snap explained that Medlock’s 70-year damnation had come to an end, and that he could be free.
However, Dr. Snap was angered by the zombie IRS’ actions and treatment of Cyrus. Snap decided to let Cyrus choose a curse that would haunt the zombie IRS for eternity. Medlock requested that all IRS zombies be crippled from climbing if they are beneath the feet of the uninfected.
